Tag Archives: dating

TED-Ed: The Science of Attraction

10 Dating Guidelines for Women

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1. Be kind, gracious, loving, and forgiving. Give him more grace than you ever thought would be required, and give it over and over. But be kind to yourself also, and if you find yourself exhausted, discouraged, demoralized, or just simply being treated badly – leave. God made you to be respected and treasured and if as a pattern you are not receiving that, leave.

2. Forgive.

3. Don’t date douchebags.

4. Don’t date douchebags who say they’ve reformed until you’ve seen their behavior change for the good over the course of a long time like a year.

5. Listen to your friends and family. They are not always right, but often are.

6. Don’t break up with someone just because your parents don’t like him. Your spouse will be 200% more present and impactful in your life than your parents will ever be. The ball’s in your court to choose.

7. Men don’t know what they’re doing any more than women do. If they get one out of three things right, that’s good. On the other hand, there’s a difference between a guy with good intentions and character making silly mistakes, and a guy who shows patterns of behavior that speak negatively about his character. In the latter camp is verbal (or physical) abuse, constant selfishness, and any kind of unfaithfulness or cheating.

8. Don’t marry someone you’ve only dated for three months. Even if it works out – and sometimes it does – it makes the first few months of the marriage infinitely harder. You have nothing to lose by waiting. Nothing. As John Steinbeck wrote in a letter on love to his son, If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

9. Love isn’t enough. You may feel the deepest, most sincere passion and affection for him – and he may feel it for you in return – and the relationship still doesn’t work out. That is one of the great mysteries of love and life.  And every romantic comedy, Disney movie, and chic lit book you have ever read lied to you: romantic love doesn’t conquer all. Sometimes there are things that just don’t work and never will. Sometimes there are obstacles you can’t surmount. And that’s okay.

10. The X factor. Sometimes in relationships it happens that you are dating a great guy. Everything falls into place, you are a great fit for each other, you like him and maybe even have affection for him as a person, you want to fall in love with him – but you just don’t quite feel it. That necessary attraction and ultimately deeper passion. And after dating him for a little while you still don’t. It’s the x factor. Baffling men and women since the beginning of time. There’s nothing to be done but end the relationship because dragging it out for 6 months or a year will only hurt both of you. Life is long, and you have agency. Don’t stay in something that your gut tells you isn’t working, even if you can’t quite rationally pin down why it’s not working.

“Just a lovely, average girl – that’s what I want”The Shop Around the Corner 

12 Rules For Men by Mindy Kaling

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Mindy KalingThe Office actress and author of “Is Everyone Hanging Out without Me?”, lists these 12 rules for guys on how to succeed at manhood. I find them surprisingly true.

Guys Need To Do Almost Nothing To Be Great

Being a Guy is so easy. A little Kiehl’s a little Bumble and Bumble, a peacoat, a pair of Chuck Taylors, and you’re hot. Here’s my incredibly presumptuous guide to being an awesome guy, inside and out (mostly out, for who am I to instruct you on inner improvement?). (Let me say here that if you’re some kind of iconoclastic dude who goes by the beat of your own drummer, you will find this insufferable. I totally respect that.  I would never want you to stop wearing your skinny jeans and straw hat. I mean it!)

1. Buy a well-fitting peacoat from J.Crew. Or wait until Christ-mas sales are raging and buy a designer one, like Varvatos or something. Black looks good on everyone (Obvious Cops) and matches everything (Duh Police), but charcoal gray is good too. You can always look like a put-together Obama speech-writer with a classy peacoat. Oh! and get it cleaned once a year. Sounds prissy, but a good cleaning can return a peacoat to its true black luster, and make you look as snappy as the first day you wore it.

2. Have a signature drink like James Bond. it’s silly, but I’m always so impressed if a guy has a cool go-to drink. Obviously, if it has a ton of fancy ingredients like puréed berries or whatever, you can look a little bit like a high-maintenance weirdo, so don’t do that. If you like scotch, have a favorite brand. it makes you look all actualized and grown-up. (You don’t have to say your drink order with the theatrical panache of James Bond. That’s for close-ups.)

3. Own several pairs of dark wash straight-leg jeans. Don’t get bootcut, don’t get skinny, just a nice pair of levis without any embellishments on the pockets. No embellishments anywhere. At all. Nothing. Oh my god.

4. Wait until all the women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off. Look, I’m not some chivalry nut or anything, but this small act of politeness is very visual and memorable.

5. When you think a girl looks pretty, say it, but don’t reference the thing that might reveal you are aware of the backstage process. e.g., say, “You look gorgeous tonight,” not “I like how you did your makeup tonight.” Also, a compliment means less if you compliment the thing and not the way the girl is carrying it off. so, say, “You look so sexy in those boots,” rather than “Those boots are really cool.” I didn’t make the boots! I don’t care if you like the boots’ design! We are magic to you: You have no idea how we got to look as good as we do.

6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in a kitchen or at a party, just start helping. Same goes with dishes. (Actually, if you don’t
want to help, you should ask them if they need help. No self respecting host or hostess will say yes to this question.)

7. Have one great cologne that’s not from the drugstore. Just one. Wear very little of it, all the time. I cannot tell you how sexy it is to be enveloped in a hug by a man whose smell you remember. Then anytime I smell that cologne, I think of you. Way to invade my psyche, guy! Shivers-down-spine central!

8. Your girlfriend’s sibling or parents might be totally nuts but always defend them. Always. all a girl wants to do is to get along with her family, and if you are on the side of making it easy, you will be loved eternally. It might be easier to condemn them— after all, she’s doing that already—but, honestly, even if they are serial murderers, there is nothing more traumatic than hearing your boyfriend trash your family.

9. Kiehl’s for your skin, Bumble and Bumble for your hair. Maybe a comb. That is all you need. and when girls look in your medicine cabinet (which they will obviously do within the first five minutes of them coming to your place), you look all classily self restrained because you only have two beauty products. You’re basically a cowboy.

10. I really think guys only need two pairs of shoes. a nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors. The key, of course, is that you need to replace your Chuck Taylors every single year. You cannot be lax about this. Those shoes start to stink like hell. They cost $40. You can afford a new pair every year.

11. Bring wine or chocolate to everything. People love when guys do that. not just because of the gift, but because it is endearing to imagine you standing in line at Trader Joe’s before the party.

12. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you’re not, strictly, a jealous guy. Too much and it’s creepy and horrible, but a possessive hand on her back at a party when your girlfriend looks super hot is awesome.

Read more excerpts from the novel at Republic of Brown

Nick Hornby’s “High Fidelity”: A Love Story

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This is so so insanely good. It’s the book you want to send off immediately to your ex you still have feelings for, and your current crush, and also the book you put down periodically because you have to stop and laugh, really laugh, out loud, for longer than a minute. Sharp and funny and so brilliantly on-point with its stream-of-consciousness interior monologue about how we (human beings in general, and specifically men I suppose) think about relationships and romance and sex and the opposite sex. Not what we think when it’s daylight and your life is going well and you’re at work or talking to friends and you’re the calm stable adult, but what you think in the wild and crazy and trivial domestic moments and all the awkward mundanity and flashes of pure glory of being in a real relationship, and the adrenaline and loss of connection and magic of starting a new one.

Read it. It is hyper-articulate about love and pop culture, and hyper-aware about the peculiar quirks and stupidity and strengths of the male gender in particular.

Jon and Joy: 40 Days of Dating

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Back in 2013, Tim and Jessica’s 40 Days of Dating took the world by storm. This January, a good friend of mine and his friend decided to try the same experiment. Jonathan is an Art Director and Joy is a Creative Manager. Both live in LA. Friends, they decided to transition gradually into dating, trying it for 40 days and writing about their experiences. Their story is currently on day 7, and it’s my favorite post thus far because it’s honest, raw, and intensely relatable (for anyone who has ever struggled with commitment and not getting answers, or lack of commitment and communication issues, respectively).

Also? Since they’re both artistically inclined, their accompanying illustrations are wonderfully quirky.

First post

Current post 

You can also follow the story on Instagram and Twitter!

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Caffeinated Links: The Factors for a Happy Relationship, 55 TV Premieres and Finales, more

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The official Tumblr fandom flag. I recognize Sherlock and Doctor Who of course looming large, and I’d assume offhand that the triangle thing in the upper right is Supernatural? Either way, good stuff.

TVLine has 55 TV Premieres and Finales in February.

The ultimate guidelines to a happy relationship, according to science. Most of them are useless. The Atlantic

Incandenza over at Pajiba’s Cannonball Read gives a fantastic review, pondering fantasy as a genere, of Patrick Rothfuss’ Name of the Wind, one of the best fantasy books I’ve read in my all too-short lifetime.

Grantland as usual wrote a long and wonderful review, of which these parts are my favorite –

“It’s partly that Beyoncé is just better than Magna Carta, obviously. But it’s also partly about the fact that she’s 32 and he’s 44 and suddenly that gap seems salient. Motherhood as a human hasn’t made Beyoncé the pop star seem all that momlike, but Jay suddenly seems totally dadlike. Works for a corporation, wears a suit, makes a lot of dumb jokes, tries to seem hip by talking about Homeland. His verse doesn’t ruin “Drunk in Love,” but the other night at a party I heard a DJ start the song there, without playing the first three minutes, and I wanted to throw things at him. You’d have to be crazy to think that’s the best part of the song. When Jay walked onto Beyoncé’s stage last night he looked like he’d somehow lucked into taking her to the prom. I love how he walks her down the stairs from the top level of the stage, holding her hand in that almost courtly way, and how the minute they hit the second riser, right when he’s saying “I’m Ike,” she lets go of his hand and just keeps going. She does a little catwalk, lets Jay kind of point at her butt and make a Not bad, eh? face — and then the instant his verse is over, she’s back in control of the whole scene. Jay’s once again just lucky to be up there reflecting her swag, doing that adorable little back-to-back surfboard dance. I loved the surfboard-dance part so much I wish it was a physical place, so I could build a church there and renew my wedding vows inside it. It was A Moment. One the show still cut away from, so we could see how much Taylor Swift was enjoying it.”

“Buckingham and Reznor made perfect sense. They share a passion for innovative recording techniques and writing hot, angry songs about witchy women.”

on Taylor Swift –

“Can’t a girl thrash at a piano like she’s been ravished by the muse/dance in the audience like everybody’s watching/awkwardly configure and reconfigure her hands to a hip-hop beat without having her every awards-show move scrutinized like the Zapruder GIFs? Sure, she’s been lyrically careless with the hearts of the people who have been careless with hers, and yes, she seems painfully aware that the camera’s dead, unblinking gaze is always trained on her, and, uh-huh, she does that thing where she pretends that every new accolade is as unexpected as being named grand marshal of the Three-Legged Rainbow Unicorn Parade when she knows she’s got so many gold statuettes at home she had to build a museum on the back acres of her Dream Garden. ..

And Taylor Swift, god love her, has already entered the Tori Amos–serious artiste stage of her career, where the only special effect needed is integrity. Taylor, your songs about Jake Gyllenhaal are great, but you are 24 years old. Bring back the hobos.”

Caffeinated Links: Pond, Silence, Wife-Finding

Superb post from Tiger Beatdown on Amy Pond-

“But when it becomes clear that a female character is defined solely in male terms, as someone to be macked on, fought over, knocked up, or rescued, there’s a problem.  It’s not even that any of these cliches are insulting. It’s that they’re everywhere, and they’re boring.  So much of popular culture is devoted to telling the exact same love-marriage-childbirth story over and over, as though it applies to all women in the world, and peddling the lie that deep down inside that’s all any of us really care about.  And lots of us care about those things deeply, but not to the exclusion of everything else.” (RT)

This article on the differences between how men and women communicate and think packs a powerful punch. “And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” (RT)

“Men are called to take initiative in finding a wife. If called to marriage — and most men are — they should, when mature and ready, leave their childhood home. They should pray to God for a wife, and they should seek one with a balance of wisdom, trust and assertiveness.

So this is it. This is God’s good plan for those called to wed.” (RT Boundless)

 

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